


Of Once Knowing and Death

by thebeasknees



Category: Dear Evan Hansen - Pasek & Paul/Levenson
Genre: 2-Shot, A different song for each chapter, Angst, Bonding, But not lot's, Description of Suicide Attempt, Everyone Is Alive, Fluff, Gen, Jared Not Being a Fucker, Panic Attacks, Platonic Affection, THIS WILL HAVE MULTIPLE CHAPTERS, They all love eachother but don't know how to handle it, Yeah It's a relationship study, descriptions of self harm, kinda a character study, kinda a song fic, more like a relationship study, tag as we go
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2020-07-24
Updated: 2020-07-24
Packaged: 2021-03-04 18:20:55
Rating: Not Rated
Warnings: Graphic Depictions Of Violence
Chapters: 2
Words: 1,943
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/25480810
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/thebeasknees/pseuds/thebeasknees
Summary: Evan and Jared knew each other, once. They want to know each other again.Zoe and Connor will get better, someday.
Relationships: Connor Murphy & Zoe Murphy, Evan Hansen & Jared Kleinman
Kudos: 11





	1. I Knew You Once

**Author's Note:**

> Hey guys uhhh
> 
> Tell me what you think! 
> 
> Trigger warning: Mentions of panic attacks and the after-math of panic attacks.

'I knew you, once-  
and it was nice.'

-

Evan chased Jared through the trees, his bare feet crunching onto the ground, making a 'pit-pat' sound. The laughter followed them through where ever they followed, in the warm, local park. People looked at them every once and a while, and then brushed them off. 

'Kids,' They probably thought. 

And that's what they were, to be fair. Kids.

Evan wasn't really aware he was, at the moment, but he was. The stick in his hand wavered and broke in half, probably from all of the swinging back and forth and accidently-running-head-first-into-trees. Jared would stop everytime, whisper a "Fricking god, Ev, you okay?"

And then Evan would laugh, even through the pain on his head, even through the bruise he felt coming on.

Jared would keep on running, and Evan would keep on chasing, and it was always like this. Everyday after school, to be honest. They would just keep on running, and sometimes poor water on each other after buying it, and more giggles would let themselves out and into the air and it was.

It was okay.

-

'I knew you're brain, and your heart-  
all your insides.'

-

Evan was crying and sobbing and screaming and Jared has No Idea What The Fuck To Do because Evan might have had panic attacks, might have gotten nervous easily but never like this. 

Not ever like this.

"He- he left me. He wasn't moving, he wasn't- J-Jare, he left me, didn't want me and Mom anymore."

And Jared now realizes, comes to the realization while Evan's tears collect on his shirt that he hadn't seen Evan's Dad in forever.

Not since... Not since....

He hadn't heard Evan mention his name since they were seven, and- and his Mom noted to him once to not talk to Evan about his Dad and. 

Evan's Dad left him, and Jared didn't even realize.

He's a horrible friend.

"No, Evan. He was.. He's a bad person. Doesn't deserve you or your Mom. Both of you are super cool."

Evan sniffles, and giggles that giggle that Jared knows by heart- high-pitched and dorky and Very Evan.

"Yeah?"

Jared is quick to respond. He's sure of it, that Evan's Dad is a bad person. Who wouldn't want to be with him all the time? Especially help him out?

A person mean enough to abandon someone like Evan must be a huge butt.

"Totally. And plus, I'm not leaving. So." 

Evan nods. Snorts.

"Really?"

"Really."

-

"I could tell, just with a look.  
What you were thinking,  
That's all it took."

-

Jared nodded along to whatever it was that Evan was saying, looking over behind him and Evan didn't really notice. Jared never ever really made eye contact with anyone. Said it made him un-comfy. Witch, Evan related to. Didn't mind, either.

But Jared looked different. Blushy. Shy, Even, with big eyes and expressive eyebrows and-

Wait.

Evan looked behind him.

"O-Oh. My. Gosh."

Jared looked at him, and the blush on his face got way more evident, and he pushed him a little. Rolled his eyes and hid his face in his palms, biting down a smile.

"Y-You.. You like her, t-the girl behind me?" Evan said it so loudly that Jared pinched him, making him whisper and 'ow!' Under his breath.

"Shush! You big mouth!"

Evan wiggled his eyebrows and giggled as he looked behind him, the pretty brunette girl twisting her hair around, laughing along to whatever her friends were saying. Evan's eyebrow wiggling intensified, though awkward.

"So, b-brunettes, huh?" 

"Oh my fucking god, shut your hole Evan-"

-  
'You shared your secrets,  
And I shared mine.'

Jared sat down next to Evan, and he looked concerned. Frustrated, even.

"Evan, please tell me what's like. Up with you. You've been acting weirder, like, way weirder than usual. What's up?"

Evan rocked back and forth, and even flinched away from Jared's touch when he reached out for him, and nono, Evan had never ever flinched before.

Never.

"I.. I don't think I'm straight." Jared's jaw dropped a little, 1. Because he was...surprised honestly. Evan did give off asexual vibes, though.

2\. Because this.. This is what he was worried about?

Jared went through this 'Jesus loves you >:(!' Phase when he was like, 10, but now, at the age of 13, he was pretty sure he wasn't straight. He looked into tumblr and stuff, but couldn't find anything that like.

Fit him.

And even though it was weird being either in a constant state of confusion or going through Gay Panic, he decided to hold off on it.

Try to focus on things other than that. Like Evan.

Witch had led him to this situation.

" I don't know if I'm even a boy, to be honest, and I know that's weird- is that weird? That's weird, and I'm sorry for saying anything about it and making you uncomfortable or anything and you don't need to be friends with me anymore, I understand, I just- I'm pansexual, and I don't know if. I jus-"

"Same."

"Huh?"

"Same. I'm not.... 'Pan' , " Jared had no idea what that even meant, really, but he wasn't about to ask- "But I'm not straight. So."

"Oh. Okay. Um... Sleep?"

"Yeah. Sleep."

\---------

'Silence was comfy,  
Without having to try.'

Evan was just coming down from his panic attack, and just starting to breath right. He was shaking, a little, barely even there, but still. He was trying.

That's what mattered. Trying.

"You're not... Friends with me anymore, are you?"  
Evan's voice came out broken. Torn.

So quiet. 

Jared wanted to be Evan's friend, but really, it was..

Embarassing. Being around Evan. He had a reputation to keep up, he wad right on the top of the food chain, only at fourteen. He was good. Seen as the funny kid, the class clown, the smart kid. He couldn't just give it up. He couldn't.

So he never said anything back.

And looking back at it now, he regrets it.

He really fucking regrets it.

'Yes, I knew you, once.  
And it was nice.'

And as Jared looks at Evan while they walk down the hall together-

He wants to know him again.

He will know him again, one day.

That would be nice.


	2. No Children

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> ´I am drowning  
> There is no sign of land,  
> You are coming down with me.  
> Hand in un-lovable hand,  
> And I hope you die.  
> I hope we both die.'

_'I hope I cut myself shaving tommorow,_

_I hope it bleeds all day long._

_Our parents say it's darkest before the sun rises,_

_We're pretty sure their both wrong.'_

As Zoe runs down the hall, curse words and threats spew out of her mouth like it's never done before. 

She's sick of everyone acting like everything is perfect.

Things are better, and she knows that, because she's seen it with her own eyes. Connor smiles more than he used to, Connor is getting his grades up, Connor is getting up and he's trying and.

He's doing better than her, really. He is.

And she.. She's jealous. She's jealous of her mentally ill brother, she's jealous that he can let it all out and he can go to therapy and be better and not have to hide it, use his stupid mental illness as an excuse.

Not that she has anything.

' _Well, I hope it stays dark forever._

_I hope the worst isn't over-_

_I hope you blink before I do,_

_I hope I never get sober.'_

Connor is behind her, and he's banging on her door demanding an explanation like he deserves one, screaming that he _knows he's wrong_ and he doesn't deserve her forgiveness, but if she wanted to say something to say it to her face and.

And everything's coming back. The constant fighting, the screaming, her worry, her guilt, the letter. His suicide.

Seeing his blood spill out the tub as he lays there. His arms littered with cuts to his wrists.

Lifeless.

And she can't, she just _can't_ , because she's shaking and she's so _angry_ at him, for doing this to her, for making her like this. 

This couldn't have always been her. She's sure of it.

Even as she remembers that there wasn't a day in her life she didn't have this unnerving pit in her stomach. He's still banging on the door, knocking and screaming but his voice slowly gets softer as he goes on and on about how he wants her to tell him why she can't just ignore him. 

Why she can't let him get better?

And the thing is, she wants to. She won't forgive him yet, but she wants to, and it hurts that she wants him around and wants to be near him and hug him and laugh with him like siblings do, and it's horrible, feeling like this.

It's horrible.

_' And I hope when you think of me,_

_Years down the line,_

_You can't find one good thing to say._

_And I hope if I'd find the strength to walk out,_

_You'd stay the hell out of my way.'_

She's so bitter. She almost misses having someone to scream at, let all that anger out on someone who deserves it. 

He doesn't. Not anymore. 

She wants to be gone. She doesn't want to have to keep it all in anymore, she doesn't want to be around him and breath the same air as him even if she wants someone to talk to that would understand so badly.

She opens the door and just.

Pushing and hitting and aiming for his chest with her fist, and he takes a few steps back. She's screaming and crying angry tears and she's angry that she's happy for him, angry that he's the one that is going to bring this family together instead of her, angry that he gets to have Evan Hansen and gets to have so many people that care about him and actually know the real, human him.

Not the one he puts up. Not the one people see in the halls, not the good-child persona everyone believes _so_ well, not what he wants people to see.

_Him._

_'I am drowning,_

_There is no sign of land,_

_You are coming down with me,_

_Hand in unlovable hand.'_

" _You_ \- You don't get to- to tell me what to do. After all this, this fucked up shit you put me through I.. I know you don't want me to forgive you, but you don't even deserve me to- to talk to you! You fucking _broke_ me, and I .. I might love you, okay? I love you, but I won't forgive you. Not now, and probably not ever, because- because I fucking- You _hated_ me. You hated me and now you're acting like you love me for me and you don't, you don't, not one bit and I- I fucking...." She's still pushing at him and her little cat hits aren't doing anything, obviously, but she wants to hurt him just as much as he did to her.

She wants him to feel the pain of seeing your siblings suicide note, the words _'All my hope is pinned on Zoe'_ spread across it angrily. The feeling of keeping everything tucked into your heart and not just letting it out in front of people you trust. She wants him to see her sad and hopeless on the floor and not be able to do anything. To wonder what he could have done to be of any help.

She wants him to feel that.

"Zoe. I love you. " She shakes her head at how calm his voice comes out, and her cheeks are stained with red.

"No you don't."

He sighs and nods as she hooks her chin across his shoulder.

"Okay." 

_'And well,_

_I hope you die ._

_I hope we both die._ '


End file.
